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2019 Oscar Picks::rating::0
"T his is  the 51st Academy Awards," said that evening's host, Johnny Carson.  "Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread over a four-hour show."  No one has ever described cinema's biggest night with such dry, succinct brilliance.  It seems every minute of glamour or grippingly candid emotion gets matched with another minute of bloated, boring…
Alita: Battle Angel
Alita: Battle Angel (2019)::rating::3.5
All the expansive world-building in Alita: Battle Angel stands as the film's greatest strength and its greatest weakness.  James Cameron (co-writer/producer) and Robert Rodriguez (director) deliver a sprawling, digital landscape that boggles the mind in both its grandeur and intensive attention to every last visual detail.  Story-wise, so much table-setting happens in this movie that it…
What Men Want (2019)
What Men Want (2019)::rating::2
W hat Men Want was built to be a spiritual successor to Mel Gibson's What Women Want, so it's not surprising when both films make many of the same mistakes.  For those lucky enough to forget, What Women Want depicted a dickweed ad executive who harbored a cluelessly condescending attitude toward the women around him.  The movie then imbues…
Cold Pursuit (2019)::rating::2.5
S ince the dawn of Charles Bronson's days as a leading man, Hollywood has made a mint on the trope of a mumbly, barrel-chested dad with everything to lose.  The people he loves get killed or maimed, transforming our hero into a squib-splattering instrument of vigilante justice.  Thugs with poor hygiene get mowed down in…
Serenity Now!
Serenity (2019)::rating::0.5
I walked into Serenity with only the knowledge I could glean from the movie's poster.  Somehow, I walked out of the theater with even less knowledge.  Not only about the movie, but about life in general.  As the idiotic plot twists and atrocious dialogue soaked into my brain, I lost around 40 IQ points.  Suddenly,…
Table Manners
Table Manners (2018)::rating::3.5
I grew up on a ranch, and I can still remember the fires that would sweep through almost every spring.  The bluestem grass, the walnut trees, and the oaken corner posts were all left scorched and smoldering.  But an amazing thing always happened:  Rejuvenation.  Green grass would sprout through the soot, singed tree branches…

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