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The Wrong Missy (2020)::rating::1.5::rating::1.5

In order to review The Wrong Missy, I will first ask you to embark on an adventure of the imagination: Picture two ships in the night, steaming across a still ocean. We’ll call them the Romance and the Comedy. Over the course of this film, both vessels will strike icebergs and sink in a bubbling, frothy whirlpool. That’s right, gang! Stream this cinematic stink-pile and you get to watch the date movie genre go swirling all the way to the ocean floor. Just make sure you and your date find some debris you can both climb onto, lest you get sucked down to the icy deep as well.

Now, I know what y’all are thinking: “Man, that Titanic imagery is heavy-handed. And he hasn’t even talked about the movie at all! Is he drunk??” Well…it is, you’re right, and I wish. It’s just that watching The Wrong Missy is like somebody taking a cricket bat and whacking you right in the goodie bits. I love you all, and I want to spare you that pain. Still, you’ve made it this far, so I assume you must be all-in. Gird your downstairs areas, my friends. It’s whacking time:

David Spade plays Tim, a dweeby, mild-mannered businessman who gets set up on a blind date. As the movie begins, he meekly totters into a restaurant, trying to figure out where this woman is. Turns out, Missy (Lauren Lapkus) is the date straight from the bowels of Hades. She’s an abrasive, raging psychopath who screams most of her dialogue like she’s strapped to the hull of a roaring Atlas rocket. Missy also swills more booze than the entire Rat Pack and churns out so much profanity that it would make Andrew Dice Clay turn deep red. Tim tries to crawl out the bathroom window, but Missy naturally comes barreling in to ask how his shit is going.

I’ll spare you the suspense and say that Tim eventually escapes this disaster. Cut to several months later: Tim is up for big promotion, and the boss (Geoff Pierson) will make the decision during a company trip to Hawaii. Well, right about then, ol’ Tim Meets Cute with Melissa, (Molly Sims) a gorgeous pageant-winner, at the airport bar. They stumble into a nearby janitor’s closet for some fast-paced nookie. Side note: This shows you what a warped view these filmmakers have about love–it’s all toilet stalls and mop closets.

Anyway, Melissa’s flight comes up and she has to dash. She quickly sends her contact info and bolts. Tim is elated for all the wonderful, misogynistic reasons: This woman looks like a swimsuit model, so it’ll really impress the boss if he invites her to Hawaii. He shoots a text, and is thrilled when she quickly accepts his offer.

Ermagerd, you guys will never guess what happens next! Tim is Maui-bound, and who should plop next to him?! Sum’bitch! He texted the wrong Missy! Woo-hooooo! Ya just can’t make this stuff up. Now, Tim is stuck at 30,000 feet with Hurricane Nutball. This leads to a scene where she gives him a rub-and-tugsy under a travel blanket, all while winking at the other passengers. At this point, I wanted to grab a couple IPAs and climb into my shower, fully clothed.

I spent the next thirty minutes of movie massaging my temple and mumbling under my breath: Missy proceeds to terrorize Tim, along with the entire state of Hawaii. She drinks, barfs in the ocean, grinds on randos, and jumps off a steep cliff on a dare. If the screenwriters set out to create the most obnoxious character in cinema history, then Missy is definitely in that conversation.

You know what, we’re halfway through this David Spade movie, and I haven’t seen Rob Schneid–oh, shit, there he is! Deuce Bigalow plays a sweaty, grizzled sea dog who takes our heroes out to the ocean blue. As a bonus, a shark has bitten off his middle three fingers, so he’s always making the “hang ten” sign! Heeee-heeee!!! I’m watching in 4k, and I’m trying to see if he has any flies buzzing around his head. Alas, nope. Maybe they can CGI a few in for the director’s cut.

Anybody who follows the Razzies will know that Spade and Lapkus are up for Worst Actor and Worst Actress. And I’ll say that neither performance is great, but I’m not sure I agree with these nominations. This material is so bad, I can’t imagine any actor saving it. I mean, can you see Meryl Streep giving an under-the-pants hand-dango, or ralphing up raw fish chunks into a shark cage? So, I just don’t think its fair to judge, given the extreme circumstances.

The Wrong Missy is a disastrous movie. It’s criminally unfunny and decidedly not romantic. I didn’t want Tim and Missy to get together. In fact, I wanted both of them to meet the shark for a lunch date. Instead, I got to spend 90 minutes watching this movie take on water and founder. You can watch it, but consider yourselves warned: There ain’t enough lifeboats to go around. 90 min. R. Netflix.

See also:
Also one of the worst movies in recent memory.

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